Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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