i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
