I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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