Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Someone came in the potted fern
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
