I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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