i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
