Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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