Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
