Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
