How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
