im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
