Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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