Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
