Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
