yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
