just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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