Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
