I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just threw up on my dentist
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
