You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
