Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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