my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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