they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
