I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
