I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
porn star boner night. come get it.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
