I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize