The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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