i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
