i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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