I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
