I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
