Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
