alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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