My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
