Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
