I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
