So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
