you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
