so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
