why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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