saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize