It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
