Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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