Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
