No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
