you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Enjoy the penises
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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