I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize