Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
