new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
