Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
