I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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