I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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