i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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