Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
