You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
