either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
This is the high leading the old right now
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
